By Mary Karau Ngethe
The author of this article has been writing on the power of the mind to do great things. The article for this week is yet another challenge for us human beings to plead with the mind to do what can be impossible unless the mind decides to do so. Letting go off pain, by choosing to forgive.
Unforgivable and unforgettable
The author attempts to influence the reader to make a choice to start the journey of forgiveness, to allow the mind to discover new skills on how to make peace with painful memories since that haunt us, but are in the mind to stay, since they cannot be wished away. Forgiveness can allow the victim to move on, and allow God to create new beautiful memories to replace the painful ones.
To create a new life full of beauty, and turn a mess into a message for self
The article might therefore not resonate with all readers, because, unless a reader has been hurt deeply, one might not connect with the message. But then, may be a loved one has been hurt and the reader walked the journey with them, and are therefore a victim indirectly.
What if a daughter has ever been raped, what if a son has ever been sodomized, what if a sister has ever been brutally “murdered” by her husband, but survived a near death experience, what if a mother was attacked at night all alone, raped and left for death, but survived. Is any reader still convinced the article is not for all of us? Life happens, and it happens to human beings. And we are all related to human beings. So welcome and read for you or for sharing with another.
For this article, I will focus on pain resulting from Domestic Violence (DV) and Gender-Based violence (GBV) relating to sexual abuse of children.
In the coming weeks, I will write on other forms of pain so be on the look out for the weekly episodes
Domestic Violence and gender based violence as source of hurt
Domestic violence is a form of gender-based violence. Gender based violence includes, but is not limited to, domestic violence, sexual violence, human trafficking, reproductive violence and coercion, stalking, and child abuse based on gender. However, if a person is facing gender based violence and commits a crime trying to protect self, that is not gender based violence but self-defense.
GBV occurs where there are differing power relations, and in most cases women and girls are the victims, though boys and men are also becoming victims. When a wife plans to kill her husband through poisoning his food, that is both DV and GBV.
Domestic violence (DV) is a form of violence and abuse that takes place within the family unit. For awareness creation of both domestic violence and gender-based violence, I will use a case of an 8-year-old girl, without using names or location for privacy
Sexual abuse of an 8-year-old girl by her grandfather
The girl is 8 years old, daughter of a single mother. Her mother and grandmother are peasants and have gone for labor in their neighbors land. She comes from school, and her grandfather is in the compound where they all live in different houses but same compound.
Family Unit. The old man, sexually abuses her every day after school, and threatens her with death if she ever reported the matter to anyone. Luckily, her mother gets a job out of the village and goes to her new home with her.
She is supposed to be a small innocent girl. Isnt she?
She and her family, including her grandfather take a photo of bye. Her black and white photo, of herself leaning on her mother, to her, that photo held her secrets. She sees her tiny uniform on the lines and hates her time after school.
The girl is lost in thought even as the photo is taken. Will my new home have other men? Will I be safe? What if? Her life will be dictated by what if for a long time. She has been robbed off her safety, at an early age of 8!
40 Years later
Little girl, to graduate, to wedding to motherhood. What if follows her closely
The girl is now married with a family, and she is overprotective of her two daughters. Protective even from their own father. Psychoanalysis at work. I am the only security to them. It is my story.
One day, she was De-cluttering her closet, and out of nowhere, the Black Photo appears in one old envelope. With her maturity and exposure, she photo makes her aware of the pain, as triggers always come; she knows the time had come. Now. She is aware she cannot hide her pain any more, The story of Winfrey Oprah disclosing her sexual abuse story has been lingering in her mind. If Oprah healed, I can also heal, she tells herself. She knows she must confront this animal of pain forced onto her by a mad man.
She goes to a therapist to seek help. And suddenly, the therapist makes her vulnerable again. She becomes the 8 year old, and presents the photo to the therapist. And from there onwards, the healing journey begins, remotely at first but surely!
She has to be taught how to discover how to take action for herself. To move on from an 8 year old vulnerable girl, to a 40 year old mother, wife boss. It is a journey that will take time and mental energy. To make peace with her painful memories. In order to enjoy fully her beautiful marriage, her beautiful motherhood and her beautiful practice as a successful lawyer.
She heals from a pessimistic person who always feels a victim despite her success, to a victor who is optimistic and always ready to recieve good things in life. She stops believing in the God of her mother but embraces a relationship with her God. She feels worthy of any promise of God. Her self-confidence gushes from within to rule her new life. God clothes the nakedness caused by her grandfather. She forgives her grandfather who had died years earlier. She forgives her mother and grandmother for leaving her at home alone with a monster. She realizes she did not need to forgive herself. She was just a victim.
She gives back to society by joining advocacy against domestic abuse and gender based violence. And she is a strong advocate of the agenda.
Call to Action
This girl/woman chose to forgive. She chose to let go. It is my hope, as the author, that this article, parents will be more careful with their daughters and sons, victim living with pain of will take action like the above girl did, and that fathers will nurture their sons to be men-enough to respect girls and women, protect them and not abuse them, and that religious institutions will establish centers to handle gender based programs in their communities, and that GoK will implement the many policies to address GBV.
Have a safe nest, and create a safe nest for our girls, boys, women and men. Spread the gospel against Domestic Violence and Gender Based violence in our homes and communities. May our Police Force lead in this battle towards safety in Kenya and in Africa.
Mary Karau Ngethe is the Programs Director Central Kenya Development Network (CKDN). She can be reached on; marykaraungethe@gmail.com
Anila Bukhari