By: Njeru Lilian
Many a times simple statements are given out , “we are sorry to inform you the passing of “, while to Many that is just a statement ,to the bereaved it’s a whole breaking point . Grief is never a season you walk through ,it is a world you are thrown into not just a world but one with no map, no timetable, no rules and no familiar landmarks. One day life feels normal, and the next, everything you know collapses into silence. From knowing a father , a mother or a child to completely not having to call them out anymore .
When someone loses a spouse, a parent, a child or even a close friend, they are not just mourning the person. They are mourning routines, memories, habits, future plans and versions of themselves that died with that person. Their mornings change ,their nights change,their identity changes.From a Mrs to a widow , a husband to ,to a widow ,a child to to being an orphan . Even their breath feels different yet the world around them keeps moving as if nothing happened.
The whole dilemma comes in where we live in a society that knows exactly how each person should behave after loss.The pain deepens not in the loss, but in the expectations society places on the grieving. We expect widows to mourn a certain way and live isolated since they’ve lost and actually they shouldn’t smile to any man or even ask for help from them ,simply because they’ve lost their husband .we expect widowers to “move on responsibly ” they are men and it’s okay they should actually re marry because a man can’t stay without a woman close . We forget they loved and when they lost they lost people they loved and cherished . We expect orphans to be strong and shouldn’t actually rant or vent about their dead parents , they’ll get support from family and relatives and they should be so humble ,humble enough to tolerate everything because they lost . We expect the bereaved to perform grief in a way that makes us comfortable.
On the recent death of the famous gospel musician Betty Bayo , everyone had views and rules on how the children should behave like following the death of their mom . When the 13- year old tried to vent online on how they lost their mom ,she was hit with a statement “why isn’t she scared of her mum’s death like she should be ?”. For the ex -husband everyone had an opinion of actually how he should be like and they all forgot ,he lost the mother to his children.
But grief is not a performance and there is no formula to how people should grief . Some will accept so quick and try to vent , the other will cry loudly. Others cry quietly while some go numb. For others they will over-function and will want company. Many others want silence and will post tributes, hide from the world, remain alone for decades while others cannot bear to see a single reminder. None of these reactions are wrong, they are simply human.
Yet society judges them all ,we whisper when a widow laughs too soon, as if joy is betrayal. We question a widower who remarries, as if companionship is a crime.We view orphans who struggle as ungrateful, as if grief automatically comes with wisdom and maturity.We criticize people for how they handle funerals, property, burials and traditions, forgetting that they are barely trying to stay alive through the shock.
We forget that grief scrambles the mind, It steals memory, distorts logic, drains energy,changes personalities, shifts priorities and sometimes, it pushes people into survival mode, where choices are made not because they are right but because they are bearable.
During grief, even simple tasks feel heavy such as returning to work it’ll feel impossible. But strength has never been the requirement for grief, what people need is permission permission to feel, to break, to rest, to heal at their own pace.
During my interactions with grief and grieving families , one reality keeps emerging: judgement hurts more than the grief itself. People who are mourning are often forced to defend their choices, their emotions, their healing process and even their right to move forward. This is a burden no grieving heart should ever carry.
We must learn to meet grief with compassion, not commentary. We must learn to show up with presence, not pressure. For widows and widowers, companionship should never be a scandal. For orphans, vulnerability should never be mocked. For anyone grieving, healing should never be timed.
In many homes, traditions sometimes silence the grieving instead of supporting them. Relatives dictate how a widow should behave. Communities decide when a man should “recover.” Extended family disputes erupt over property while the bereaved stand helpless, unable to protect themselves emotionally or financially. And in all this chaos, the one question that matters is rarely asked: How is your heart?
Grief needs gentleness, patience. ,space and above all, it needs understanding. When a grieving person wakes up and decides to smile support them. When they wake up and choose to cry sit with them. When they choose solitude respect it. When they choose to rebuild their life celebrate them.
Their grief is not a story for public inspection.What we forget is that grief never really ends. It only settles into the body and becomes a quiet companion a shadow that moves differently for everyone. Some days the shadow is faint, other days it rises like a wave but no one ever “gets over” a loved one ,we simply learn to carry the love forward.
More than ever ,it’s okay to allow the one who have lost to grief in the very best way they feel okay with themselves . That widow and widower ,they loved their spouse but allow them to seek for help , allow them to vent to any space that gives them their time . For that parent who has lost their child ,allow them to stare at that picture for the longest they can . To sleep close to their child’s cloth for long enough till they feel it’s okay . For the children who’ve lost their parent, don’t torment them for their loss , support them where you can in their strength and weakness just be of support as much as you can . Losing isn’t vulnerability,it isn’t a disability it’s not a mark ,it should not be used against anyone simply because they lost .
Today, more than ever, we must remind ourselves that grief is not weakness. It is not drama, not attention-seeking rather grief is the price of love a heavy, confusing, unpredictable price. And it confronts every grieving person with one cruel reality: life will never go back to how it was.
Mary Karau Ngethe