How Relationships Shape Our Identity, And Our Lives

By Mary Karau Ngethe

Each of us is shaped by the forces of our past, be it biology of our genes from our known or unknown parents, our early relationships including those of our childhood and how we related with our mother and our father, the untold stories we carry, the patterns of behavior we have developed over time in order to navigate life. These factors influence who we are, and how we behave. Yet, at birth, each of us has an authentic “ME”, who is then shaped by these other factors, in a healthy or an unhealthy way. The healthy factors strengthen the personality that was born, and the unhealthy factors take us further and further away from the personality that was born creating a void to be filled, or an unknown need to be met.

In our daily lives, there is a natural craving to be this “ME” that was born. Nature is created such that each of us has the capacity to bounce back to our born self even after an unhealthy relationship or experience. In some cases, these relationships are so positively powerful that they help us utilize all the potential we were born with, making us very fulfilled and peaceful. But in some cases, the relationship gives us such negative experiences, that they remain strong negative marks in our lives. The leave a hole to be filled, an unknown need always waiting to be met. The void leaves us always chasing something that never seems to come. Peace in such a life becomes a mirage!

Positive relationship on one’s life

Some people are very lucky to have people who affirm them to use their full potential in life. One of the best examples is the story of the American tennis champions, Venus and Serena Williams, and how they are who they are today, because of the intentional relationship with their two parents.

Mr. Richard Williams, the American former tennis coach and father of the two world tennis champions, partnered with his then wife Ms. Oracene Price to nurture and coach their girls to fame. Richard was the girl’s dad, coach, mentor and fan from their childhood to fame, while his then wife, Oracene, is best known for being both a mother and a coach to the two girls.  The combined bull’s eye-focused effort of the two parents resulted with the girls becoming widely regarded as among the best tennis players of all times, who are also wealthy and global influences in global sports. This story reveals determined and intentional parenting, and of course, God being the force behind the whole parental mission. Nothing can become that successful without God’s power.

Negative relationship on one’s life

It is very easy to give a case study like the one above, when the results a cerebration. However, it is not always easy to give a case study of bad situations, so I will just give general scenarios. We are well aware that a couple can have very good, much focused and intelligent children growing in the save haven of a mother, father and a warm home, whether rich or poor. Home to these kids is heaven. Then, the marriage breaks down, and the two parents manage the break-up poorly, leaving the family totally broken. Home becomes hell to the same kids. Children who were top level performers become deviants in the society, and people start pointing fingers at a history of potential children. Marriage is not the only negative impact. Others could be affected by death of the main bread winner, and the parent left behind fails to manage grieve properly, and by the time grieve is over, all the family resources are finished.  Other cases are where a person is raised very positively, and succeeds in life, but marry the wrong partner. The relationship fails to nurture each other, and the victim spouse ends up losing all his or her potential, waking up too late in life, and dies miserably. Others are traumatic cases like rape, domestic violence, gender based violence, political violence, to mention a few.

Capacity within us for profound transformation

God has created a human being with capacity to turn naturally from confusion to clarity, hopeless to hope, void to wholeness. Capacity to bounce back to the authentic self, despite environment. Capacity to be in human shit, and yet smell perfume, because of powerful inner strength that is unshakable. This is brought about by an awakened determination to bounce back.

What is the key to bouncing back?

Is the key hidden in a locker somewhere? Is it written in a book waiting to be purchased and read? Is it packed in the office of a therapist or a life coach?

No. The key is right inside the person who needs transformation. The giant inside the person is just asleep, waiting to be woken up. The Awakening can come in any form. In a dream, by a visit to a therapist or a life coach, by attending a healing mass in a retreat, or from a still small voice of God talking powerfully through the Holy Spirit. That is why some alcoholics suddenly decide to stop drinking alcohol, or a deviant son loses a parent, and from then on, he transforms to the son the deceased prayed for.

Action:

Take action at whatever stage you are in. Are you financially sound? Take stock to see the gap in your life. Is your marriage sound? Take stock to see how you relate with your children as an intentional parent. Take stock. Any human being is likely to have a void. Awaken and fill it. Fill voids daily. Make a heaven on this earth, even as we await the heaven in the next life!

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Mary Karau Ngethe Programs Director/Life Coach Central Kenya Development Network (CKDN) Contacts: WhatsApp +254 722 652111. Email: marykaraungethe@gmail.com