By: Wanjohi. P. Mugambi
Isn’t it so tempting to reinvent yourself when you meet somebody new who you really like—try and be who you think they are looking for? You could become sophisticated, or maybe strong, silent, and mysterious. At the very least, you could stop embarrassing yourself by making jokes at inappropriate moments or being pathetic when dealing with problems
Actually, no you couldn’t. You might manage it for an evening or two, or even a month or two, but it’s going to be tough keeping it up forever. And if you think this person is the one—you know, the one—then you might be spending the next half century or so with them. Just imagine, 50 years of pretending to be sophisticated or suppressing your natural sense of humor.
That’s not going to happen, is it? And would you actually want a lifetime of lurking behind some sham personality you’ve created? Imagine how that would be, unable ever to let on that this wasn’t really you at all, for fear of losing them. Suppose they find out in a few weeks or months or years, when you finally crack?
They’re not going to be very impressed. Let’s be clear. I’m not saying you shouldn’t try to turn over the occasional new leaf or improve yourself a bit. We should all be doing that all the time, and not only in our love life. Sure, you can try to be a bit more organized, or less negative. Changing your behavior is all fine and good. This Rule is about changing your basic personality. That will NOT work, and you’ll tie yourself in knots trying to do it convincingly.
So be you. Might as well get it all out in the open now—if it’s not who they’re looking for, at least you won’t get in too deep before they find out. And you know what? Maybe they don’t actually like sophisticated. Perhaps strong silent types don’t do it for them. Maybe they’ll love your upfront sense of humor.Perhaps they want to be with someone who needs a bit of looking after.You see, if you fake it, you’ll attract someone who belongs with a person that isn’t you. And how will that help? Somewhere out there is someone who wants exactly the kind of person you are, complete with all the flaws and failings you come with. And I’ll tell you something else—they won’t even see them as flaws and failings. They’ll see them as part of your unique charm. And they’ll be right.
We all get battered and bruised by life, that’s inevitable. Some of us come off worse than others. Of course, it’s the scars that give us character, so they’re not all bad in the long run. In the short term, we may need to recover before we re-enter the fray.If your last relationship or two has left you a bit of an emotional wreck, it’s better to repair the damage before you start looking for a new lover and partner. Otherwise you won’t be able to show them the real you, and you won’t be able to focus on them if you’re still preoccupied with yourself. If you make a mistake with your new relationship (and it happens to us all), you could end up more bruised than when you started. Even if you did manage to find someone truly caring and loving, both of you could suffer because one of you wasn’t ready yet to launch into a relationship.
I have a friend who came out of one relationship an emotional wreck. Then she met a man who was lovely—kind, nurturing, and protective. Just what she thought she needed. Over the next couple of years he looked after her until she was a strong, independent woman again. And what happened? It completely killed their relationship. She wasn’t the woman he’d fallen in love with any more. Lots of men go for strong, independent women, but he wasn’t one of them. He liked women who were fragile and needed looking after.And that’s the danger. Even if you find the perfect partner,they’re only ideal for who you are right now, and that’s not who you‘ll be after you recover—the person you really are under- neath. I’m not saying these relationships can never work, but it’s very, very rare.
So do yourself a favor. Go away and hide somewhere while youlick your wounds. Enjoy your friends and your family, and waituntil you’ve recovered before you start looking for a new partner. And when you do, try to pick someone whose scars are relatively well-healed, too—because this works the other way as well. In this way you both see each other as you trully are, and start your relationship the way you want to continue it. I knew a woman who was always in a relationship. You know the kind—maybe you’re the same—the moment one relationship ended, another started. I asked her once why this was, and she told me that she didn’t like being on her own so she made sure it never happened. When I got to know her well, she was with a man who was perfectly decent but who just didn’t give her the love she deserved. Why did she put up with it, I asked her. She patiently explained that she had no choice, because the alternative was being on her own, and she couldn’t cope with that option.
In the end, things got really bad and he left. She braced hersel for the breakdown she knew would follow. I saw her a month or so later and asked how she was coping. She told me, “Fine, at the moment. I thought I would have fallen to pieces by now, but it’s obviously taking longer to happen than I expected.” I think it was six months before it finally dawned on her that she wasn’t actually going to break down at all. Three months later, she met a lovely guy who wanted to get serious and move in together, but she resisted. She was having too much fun being on her own.
The point of this story is that she stayed in relationships that weren’t good and put up with flak she didn’t deserve, out of fear of being on her own. After she knew that she was happy on her own, she set her standards much higher and wouldn’t put up with second best. She didn’t have to. After all, what was the worst that could happen? Well, she could end up back on her own again—but that wasn’t a problem any more.So the moral of this story is that you need to learn to be happy and secure on your own. That way, you’ll never stay in a bad situation for fear of being left alone. If it’s not working out, you can simply leave. Far too many people stay in unhappy relationships because they’re scared to be alone. Rules players learn to enjoy living alone so that when they do choose to throw in their lot with a new partner, it’s for the right reasons. After you’ve mastered this, you’ll only ever live with anyone else because you love them and they make you happy. Being alone is great, but being with them is even better. If that stops being the case, you’re free to leave.
Anila Bukhari