Mary Karau Ngethe
By Mary Karau Ngethe
Last week, we shared on Self-Awareness for peaceful parenting.
When each parent is fully aware of whom s/he is, there will be self-acceptance, and acceptance of the spouse as he/she is.
You no longer wish to change your spouse to be what you want. After all, you chose the him or her as was!
The wife and husband, being in a marital relationship, each has personal values and personal way of doing things, like one loves sleeping early while the spouse loves watching a movie and sleeping late. Therefore, in an effective relationship, conflict will always arise, and it will be either positive or negative conflict, based on the way the situation is handled, ensuring the authenticity of each person is left intact or is dismantled.
If authenticity of each partner is left intact, there will be a win-win outcome in dealing with conflict. If authenticity is dismantled, conflict becomes negative, and marital problems arise, and can develop into a marital turmoil, slowly but surely. Each starts blaming the other, friends and relatives start taking sides, and the judgmental game becomes the order of the day.
This tiny problem, if not well handled, starts affecting sexual relations in the couple, escalating the situation towards south. One spouse looks for sexual favors outside marriage, and the camel’s back breaks totally.
Peace in that home becomes as rare as a coin. The children become engrossed in the turmoil, and the situation at such a point becomes unmanageable. There are never ending quarrels. Children start dropping grades in school, and if there are teenage children, they get more “lost”.
The conflicts lead to irreconcilable differences, yet, they started slowly like a fire. This can lead to legal grounds for divorce!
Preventive measures: What if there was a system to facilitate conflict resolution in the early phases of this marriage? What if the religious bodies had invested in family programs to manage marital conflicts for peace in families? what if one spouse knew about professional mediators to help navigate conflict resolution? Pain and hurt would have been prevented.
Pain in Marriage:
Some people claim, that pain caused by marital problems is worse than pain caused by death. Death is final, allowing for healing to start, but marital pain is almost a lifetime pain.
The recent news shared by Bill Gates and his ex-wife Melinda Gates about marital pain of betrayal and divorce teaches that marriage, if not well managed, can be pain even to the top world billionaires. We have read reports where a man or woman kills the spouse then commits suicide. While preparing for this article, I interviewed Prof Dorothy Rombo, a Scholar born in Kenya and teaching Family Affairs in a University in America. I asked her what she would say about marital pain. She said:
….“ I propose that a couple remains in peace, or agrees to separate amicably, for their own peace, peace of their children, and peace of their relatives. Marital pain does not hurt 2 persons who are married. It is children, extended family, and at times, a community. It is hurting the world, and the world needs to be saved from pain caused by two people who once loved each other”……
Society the world-over must address this pain in humanity! A menace in the society, which I would say is worse than Covid-19, because it has no vaccination or treatment, yet it is real!
Family Mediation for Marital Conflict Resolution
When couples experience a marital strive, they usually turn to parents, siblings,p friends, or community elders or at times clergy. They mean well, but they do not get the help they were looking for. The more they talk, the deeper the problems escalate. Luckily, there is professional hope that is not counseling and not therapy. It is professional mediation. A new profession in Kenya and the world, embraced even by the judicial systems as an effective fast way to deal with disputes. Family disputes are rarely criminal in nature, and therefore can be resolved through professional mediation. The professional mediators are equipped with skills and knowledge to handle conflicts and disputes in a way that each party ends up feeling a winner. Through mediation, the conflicted spouses are helped to resolve their conflict, and they are even empowered to handle disputes in future. In cases where conflict is not reconcilable, the spouses are helped to make an amicable decision to separate in peace, and mediation even helps them to deal with any arising disputes like property, children, among others.
Professional Certified Mediator (PCM)
The (PCM) facilitates Resolving conflict through discussion and negotiation
Mediation is a powerful tool for resolving disputes. It is a form of Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR) that allows parties to work together with the help of a neutral third party to find a mutually agreeable solution. The process is facilitated by a PCM, whose role is to facilitate communication and help parties move through difficult points of conflict. The process is designed to be fast, efficient and empowering, giving parties control over the outcome of their dispute. It is cost effective as opposed to court legal cases
Mediation can be done privately or through the court. Join us next week for more details on mediation. Your route-out from marital stress, towards intentional parenting.
Mary Karau Ngethe is the Programs Director/Certified Professional Mediator Central Kenya Development Network (CKDN). She can be reached on +254 722 652 111 or Email: marykaraungethe@gmail.com
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