The Mt Kenya Times 
By: Wanjohi. P. Mugambi
Worth Noting:
- Children learn only over time. Consistent use of this method is necessary for effectiveness. Time-out will also not be effective unless the child receives great deal of positive parental attention for appropriate behavior. When the atmosphere in the home is predominantly negative, time-out can be a relief rather than a punishment. Research shows that positive one-on-one time with a child, when the child behaves well, is essential in making discipline work, including time-out.
- Specific negative behaviors such as talking back, fighting with siblings, and using bad language, can be effectively controlled by simple contracts. The child should be able to exercise some control over rewards and punishments, although parents must always have the final word.
A major goal for parents is to teach their children to behave in socially acceptable ways and to exercise self-control. Yet as children become increasingly independent, their desires often come into conflict with those of parents. The result is typically a display of negative behavior by children, and sometimes by the parents.
Negative behavior is so common at certain ages — toddler tempers tantrums or adolescent rebellion, for instance — that it’s considered normal. Negative behaviors may also increase when stressful life events occur during the normal course of a child’s development.
These events might include the birth of a sibling, parental divorce, beginning school, or moving from elementary school to junior high school. The response of parents to these behaviors when they occur during normal development may determine whether the behaviors are merely transitory or whether they will persist.
The negative behaviors that are of most concern to parents are noncompliance — refusal to do what is asked — and aggression, such as biting, hitting and teasing. Noncompliance starts as soon as the child can understand parental requests, and can physically carry them out. There is evidence suggesting that toddlers may find complying with parental requests pleasurable.
At this age, children delight in matching their own actions to their parents’ words. When parents share the child’s pleasure that makes it more enjoyable for the child, and increases the likelihood that the child will continue to comply. Noncompliance is usually not seen as a problem until about 2 years of age, when children begin to assert their need for independence and control.
Temper tantrums are probably the first real expression of aggression. Tantrums can be seen in infants as young as 9-15 months. During this age, infants begin to understand that their temper tantrums can express their frustration, and potentially result in getting what they want.
Aggression typically becomes a problem around 18-24 months, when children begin playing with peers. At this age, biting or hitting typically occurs in the context of learning to share and take turns. Boys are consistently found to be more physically aggressive than girls.
Individual differences in the expression of negative behavior exist from birth. These differences appear to reflect children’s temperamental characteristics. Some children are simply more irritable, colicky, easily overstimulated, unpredictable, and present more challenges in their internal emotional and behavioral regulation, while others are easy-going. Even the most skilled parent can have problems dealing with the temperamentally challenging child.
The following suggestions have been shown to prevent or decrease children’s negative behavior. Parents should not feel guilty if their child is one who makes it more challenging for them to implement these ideas.
Children learn only over time. Consistent use of this method is necessary for effectiveness. Time-out will also not be effective unless the child receives great deal of positive parental attention for appropriate behavior. When the atmosphere in the home is predominantly negative, time-out can be a relief rather than a punishment. Research shows that positive one-on-one time with a child, when the child behaves well, is essential in making discipline work, including time-out.
Specific negative behaviors such as talking back, fighting with siblings, and using bad language, can be effectively controlled by simple contracts. The child should be able to exercise some control over rewards and punishments, although parents must always have the final word.
Asking the child what would be a “fair” punishment usually results in much harsher penalties than parents would impose. Tokens, such as marbles or beans, or points on a chart awarded for appropriate behaviors, are effective because they let parents administer rewards as the behavior occurs.
Tokens earned can be exchanged at the end of the day or week for rewards such as family outings or activities, increased privileges such as staying up later, or special time with a parent. For children who are very negative or for the parent who is not able to keep up with a chart, starting each day with a predetermined number of tokens or points can be effective. Start with 25-30 tokens per day. Tokens remaining at the end of the day are then exchanged for rewards.
During adolescence, negotiation, compromise and reasoning are key to managing negative behavior. Good communication skills are also important. Research shows that high levels of conflict and hostility in the parent-adolescent relationship are associated with negative behaviors. However, relationships characterized by support and granting the adolescent some independence, within reason, are linked to better adjustment.
Although adolescence is a developmental period characterized by growing independence, don’t assume your adolescent no longer wants to spend quality time with you. Adolescents are experiencing many transitions and changes. This includes high school, and difficulties navigating romantic and platonic relationships. Don’t be forceful, but continue working to have positive quality time with your child, and to encourage open and honest dialogue.
Listen to and respect your adolescent’s opinion. Make sure your adolescent feels that he or she has been heard by restating what has been said, before offering your own opinion. Parents should not be afraid to let their adolescent know how they view a situation and what their values and beliefs are. At the same time, let your adolescent express his or her own views.
Use problem-solving skills to negotiate solutions to conflict. Adolescents who learn that you will listen to their opinions versus only expressing your own are far more likely to negotiate with you on major concerns or issues, as well as routine problems. The literature shows that parents who use problem solving skills with their adolescent are more likely to have stronger attachments, increased levels of trust, and less hostility in the relationship.
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